Falling in Love with My Peace Again

9/7/2024

A Blogpost featuring The Relationship Advice Vault (est. July 2024) on Heartbreak & Moving Forward

2024 has been FLYING by. And life has been so sweet, so hard, and so good. There’s a little both/and for ya. As I look back on the past year, I’ve experienced a variety of relationship breaks - business breaks, friendship breaks, and heartbreaks. While this blogpost may slant most in processing the last, my intention is that it is applicable to anyone going through a break.

Why?

Because there is hope. Good things take time, and the hard thing about breaks is that it can easily cloud your ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Heartbreaks can break your heart, but they shouldn’t have to break you (Shetty).

I finished reading “The 5am Club” in August, a book about owning your mornings and elevating your life. One of my favorite quotes was on how the process of change can be hard at the beginning, messy in the middle, but beautiful in the end. I couldn’t agree more. Be patient, I’m on this journey with you. Let’s dive in:

Those weren’t ‘failed relationships,’…they made you who you are, right?

(Sharma 152) 

An Introductory Letter from Liv

Dear [your name],

If you’re anything like me, I’m an Enneagram 7 and easily mistaken for a type three, also known as a high achiever. When I’m not mistyped as a 3, I'm typically confused as an unhealthy 7 which has characteristics representing a type 1, known as the perfectionist. Sigh. You can't have it all.

The way I see this play out is that I will fight…I won’t just fight for happiness as a type 7, but I will fight to achieve, to keep, to hold, to finish through with any task or event at all costs.

How does this play out in relationships? you may ask.

Well, for one thing, I will do everything in my power to fight to make it work. And if I’m vulnerable with you here - I learned that I had some maturing to do in this matter, starting with this:

Dating is not marriage. It’s a time to figure out if you are compatible with someone. Jay Shetty, one of my favorite podcasters, says:

“We tend to oversimplify love, thinking of it as just chemistry and compatibility; romance and attraction are indeed the initial connection points, but I define the deepest love as when you like someone’s personality, respect their values, and help them toward their goals in a long-term committed relationship." (Introduction - Rules of Love, Shetty 14:09 on Practicing Love and learning to extend our love to others while still loving ourselves)

So, there’s all of that which you hope two people who are pursuing each other are able to explore, comprehend, and live into….and then there are a lot of things that drive the compatibility factor, too. -

Because of this, I've learned that pace to be crucial. Pace to live life, go through hard things, work through disagreements, and create memories.

Ultimately, some relationships will make it to the next step in marriage, and some will not. Here me say loud and clear that it not panning out or lasting doesn't mean it was a failure or that you are a failure. Instead, I believe it's a step in the direction to your person…

…and don’t forget, that’s a step in the direction to who YOU are and who YOU are BECOMING as a person.

That’s what this blogpost to be about - you and your growth. We will talk about the Emotionals, the Practicals, and of course - the Reality of learning to fall in love with your peace again after a hard break. This blogpost is for me as much as it may be for you.

Much Love,
Liv

The "Emotionals"

Because fighting for your peace is worth it.

If you are doing it right, heartbreak is emotional.

If you are currently avoiding your emotions after a break, there may be a time and place for that, but it isn’t until you eventually find the strength to acknowledge the emotions, give yourself time to heal (actually make time for this -trust me, it sucks but is crucial), and ask yourself why it hurts, that you can then begin your path toward healing and moving forward.

Let me be crystal clear on two things:

I am not a relationship guru and am on my own journey of healing, and
don’t try to think you are so capable to do heartbreak on your own.

I have found that the more I experience heartbreak, it doesn't get easier, but it does become more approachable. The reason why that is doesn’t lie in the “number of reps” itself, but because I'm better equipped on how to manage it. You’ve gone through it before, and you know you can and will get through it again.

A thought that came to me about three weeks post-breakup was that you can’t expedite your healing, but you can fast track your growth in the effort you put into processing, feeling, and reflection on what happened.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget my first relationship break because I actually felt like I was dying. I know - super dramatic - but also super real in that moment. I didn’t want anyone to see me how I was (another immaturity I’ve learn to grow up and out of), and I was only hurting myself more. When you have never gone through something, it can be scary and overwhelming. So, whether you are experiencing your first or your third or your 20th, be kind to yourself and build a shield of community (more on that later.)

Why is it such a fight for peace?

-A Recurring Thought in my Mind

Back to my point on being a fighter, there is a point in your relationship where you have to be honest with yourself. Sometimes it takes a friend to bring it up. Sometimes you will be able to find it on your own. Sometimes it takes the breakup itself.

Are you at peace? A relationship may start with pleasure, but it is the ones that are built on peace that ultimately sustain.

Why is it such a fight for peace?

My internal response was that relationships are hard and that’s why so many relationships end, whether that be in a breakup or divorce. I’m learning to check in with myself more and rather than pushing away the hard feelings, to acknowledge them in the context of dating.

This could be your person…but it also could not, so don’t force something that isn’t meant to be. If they don't want a committed relationship, let them [go]. If they don't want to invest in you, let them. If they don't want to work through difficult times, let them. When people show you who they are, believe them.

[Pause here] - Think about how at peace you would be if you lost yourself so that you can be with someone else?

When you peel away the intense emotions, you can start to practically trek your path toward peace. I don’t know about you, but I am learning how to fall in love with my peace again.

The "Practicals"

Four Tips to Handle the Emotionals

1. Nothing was wasted.

“It’s okay to be sad, but take it as a ‘thank you’ that someone didn’t waste your time

Sam (aka. the sister)

One of the hardest parts about breakups is the nostalgia. The time you spent with that significant other bears new memories, cherished experiences, and all the emotions that come with it. That’s why it can be so hard to drive by that movie theatre you experienced the first date or eat that one meal you both shared together.

It can be real easy to think that all that time spent was wasted if you didn’t make it to the finish line, but if you did it right, nothing should have. Where time starts to get wasted is if you aren’t true to yourself or the other person in knowing what you need to do and just letting the relationship trail on.

Doing it Right - Not Compromising Your Values
Time is a constraint in life that tells you when it is morning and evening. It is also a measurement in how we fill up our days. If you chose to invest in a relationship with the hope of it growing healthily, the hope is that you stayed true to yourself and your values. Two years ago, after a hard break, I told myself I could get back in the dating scene and tried… honestly it was pretty discouraging. I decided to intentionally take a year off and focus on my work and other dreams. I also wanted to prepare myself to start dating again and it was personally the best thing I could ever do to and for myself. I was able to discover what I valued and desired in a relationship through super cool and completely unrelated areas of my life such as my job, running on the beach, in books and podcasts, or with friends.

When I got back into dating, I wasn’t going to compromise my values or who I am. Play the math out then: you meet someone else who will hopefully be values-based to his/her priorities and then it is an equation of compatibility, right? Not exactly. Relationships are a little more complex than that, especially that thing called love.

2.Trust Patterns, Not What People Say.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

- Maya Angelou

At the end of the day, people can say what they want and tell you who they are, but their actions will ultimately reveal their true selves. The hard part is that in a relationship, you can’t hide because if you are spending most of your time with him/her, time will only tell.

It’s painful when you realize that someone may have fallen in love with the idea of you. When you first start dating, it’s so important to have the conversations around what you want and what they want but why I say point #1 - nothing is wasted - is crucial, is because a healthy relationship will take time to build. And in that time, it will clarify and affirm whether what you want is truly what you want, or maybe not. It’s not evil to fall in love with someone you realize isn’t your person. That’s why breakups are so incredibly learning in what you desire in a relationship. I’m a believer (or I guess I like to hope) that people typically don’t ill-intently pursue you knowing it’s not going to work.

So rather than trusting what people say on the first date, go on a second if you think there's more questions to ask and time to tell. And maybe go on a third. But there does come a point where you will have to ask “Is there alignment in what we both want and what we have? “

One thing I’m learning is that it’s okay to take things slow to figure this out because the reality is, it is going to be hard if it doesn’t work out. The idea of breaking up because of misalignment is difficult, but this is what fighting for your peace calls for. The worst thing you can do is let it go on and the endless question rack your mind of “Why is it such a fight for my peace?” become your story rather than the steadfast feeling of building a relationship on peace.

3)Always Take the High Road

Always try to take the high road and remember, we are all on our own path - and sometimes that means others don’t continue with us - even as hard as it is.

- Kelly (aka. the client/friend)

The interesting part about this is that Kelly sent me this via message when I was going through a break with a gal who became a sweet friend over the past year. Amid a mix of chaos, manipulation, and matter of mental health, I made the decision to part ways with her and Kelly came in with her cape of wisdom and reminded me that some people don’t continue in our lives and that’s okay. You can still wish the best for them. You can still love them from afar. You can have happiness in your history with them. But it’s a choice you make.

Little did I know a month later, my ex would make that decision for us. Breaks are hard. But when you hold true to point 1 - nothing was wasted- you can wish someone well. Life is hard for everyone, not just you. Relationships are complex. Life is hard (not a typo, I need you to hear it again). And the journey toward healing can be long, so be patient. One thing I’m learning here is that life shouldn’t stop, though. The whole saying of "right person, wrong time" can hold truth at times, but I think that if both parties want to make it work, they would...whether that looks like setting new expectations in difficult seasons or finding common ground when chaos shakes the foundation of a relationship.

In past relationships, I waited. Waited for timing to align, the person to grow, the circumstances to pass. Talk about wasting life, that is one way to do it. Yes, there will always be those Netflix story possibilities of couples coming back together after years, but banking on it is only doing yourself a disfavor. Stop waiting and start living! This doesn’t mean you have to automatically get back in the dating scene and start putting yourself out there. Give yourself time to heal first and remember that good things take time.

When you take the high road and wish someone well, you can wish yourself well too because there is a journey for you to move forward. However, you need to take that first step.

4. Build a Shield of Community

All of this blogpost was inspired by just a few people who supported me during a tough break and inspired me to lean into my healing and growth. It’s okay to be sad, but moving forward is so important and it may require some “outside-in” angels with “outside-in” perspectives to help you see more clearly.

There is peace on the other side. Let people in.

The "Reality"

Below the Surface of the Emotionals

I kept “reality” in quotes to keep this blogpost in sync but I do think there is something to say about an intentionally quoted “reality.” When it comes to love, we accept the love we think we deserve…and that is why it is so important to fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else.

When you are in love, you can have a really skewed view of reality at times, and it may even blur the core values and key factors you desire deeply in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong - you will have to make compromises in your relationship …but don’t compromise the important things. I have learned the importance in not letting the “reality” of your love compromise crystal clear values you have because you will lose yourself in that, and no one wants that.

Here’s a true reality for you - your relationship will have times of peace & joy and times of chaos & fights. Peace is something that you fight for, and you have to ask yourself if you and your significant other/partner are still aligned on this as a goal. I wish this blogpost had a happily ever after, but I’m still discovering what emotionally healthy relationships look like myself. The one thing I can say for sure is that it starts with being emotionally healthy yourself. I’m personally ready to begin my journey of falling in love with my peace and myself again.

Epilogue

The Thing about Compatibility & Waiting for Your Person

And though they had different ways of operating, their compatibility was nothing she’d experienced before. Her mother had once told her that if you are fortunate enough to fall in love even two or three times within a lifetime, make each of these stories count fully

(Sharma 151)

I feel like I need to add this in, and didn’t know where to put it so here’s to an epilogue. (So random, but I always find my mother falling into my epilogues….idk, anyways)

When I told my sarcastic mother that I was dating my first boyfriend about four years ago, she said, “Good for you. He will be one of many.” I was so shocked; I didn’t know what to say other than taking the punch to the gut. Did she really think we wouldn't last??

I’m starting to see what she meant once I got over the painful sarcasm which shouldn't faze me anymore. Compatibility is an interesting thing because - in a relationship- it’s often based on two people …. whether they are similar or different, compatibility is a factor that must result in a choice. If someone wants to make it work, they will fight for it. If one person is out, the choice has already been made for both.

For those who tell you that you aren’t compatible with someone because you like to do things different than them whether that be golfing versus running or reading versus movie nights, it’s not meant to be. Honestly, it's a pretty shallow way to look at compatibility, in my opinion. They’re making that choice to see these hobbies as incompatible in a relationship. One truth a mentor encouraged me on is that this isn’t pervasive. I know plenty of people who have really healthy relationships who couldn’t be more opposite.

A great example is my parents. My mother is as OCD clean as me while my father likes to leave trailing socks and unrinsed coffee cups in the sink as a reminder of his presence. However, they can see past these small things and manage to enjoy their romantic dates to Goodwill to figure out who can find the best deal because it is something they both share enjoyment around.

It can even be more implicit and subtle than this like someone who is more growth-oriented than the other even though both individuals want to grow. It may be that one person is in a different stage of their career than the other and it requires more intentionality in understanding what their season and dating entails for each other as they pursue each other. That doesn’t mean it won’t work. It might not, but again - I’ve learned that while compatibility may start as a realization in differences, it results in a choice.

Again - the beautiful but sucky part about relationships is that they are two-way. If one isn’t willing to see the compatibility in it, both lose out…but maybe it isn’t a loss but a gain for both. If someone isn’t willing to make it work, then they aren’t your person. Always take the high road and wish the best in that they will find their person. But also, please wish the best for yourself by moving forward because you can do this. Be patient. If my sister is correct, the universe will present him/her when it is ready!

My best friend called me a couple days post-breakup. I was wiping away fresh and tender tears as she listened. Then she wrapped our conversation with, “Liv, I can’t wait to meet your person.”

Now, not one, but two gals were crying.

Credits:

Jay Shetty “Why Love is Not Enough and 5 Things to Focus on More in Dating & Relationships”
The 5am Club by Robin Sharma
8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it go (Jay Shetty)
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (Lisa Terkeurst)
"Happiness" (Evermore Album - Taylor Swift)
John Mark Comer and Tyler Staton "Solitude" Podcast (Unforced Rhythms of Grace Series)
"Mindset" (Carol S. Dweck)

And most importantly - to my "Relationship Vault" - Sam, Kelly, & Megan - for b oth practical and emotional support, and stellar relationship advice. I hope you find your relationship vault.

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