Goodbye sophomore year

Sophomore year has come to an end, and I am blown away by not only how fast the year went, but how much the Lord has showed me His goodness in the relationships and experiences He brought me. 

As I got to converse with different people about what my faith looks like in Him, I found myself constantly questioning the authenticity of it.  I took a religion course this semester and I learned about a variety of world views in America.  It was by far my hardest, yet most intriguing class.  I wondered about the famous theory that says all religions lead up to the same mountaintop.  We talked about it in class towards the end of the semester; as I listened carefully to many people pour their ideas and responses to that question, I  was hoping I could find enough validity and evidence to explain that the answer was yes, yes indeed all religions are striving for basically the same end goal.  But what I also found was my intuition—which I believe is deeply connected to the God who handcrafted us— resisting that urge and reminding me of the truth. 
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​Here’s the thing, this year I’ve been waking up with what feels like a hole inside me, something missing, something wrong, something off.  As I’ve been going through the Gospels, I’ve been learning about these incredible things Jesus did to save the unworthy, feed the hungry, and heal the sick.  I long for the day I get to fully encounter his presence, and I am confident that hole I am feeling is the absence of Him. We can tell ourselves every day that the Holy Spirit dwells within our hearts, but the reality is that our sin constantly drives us apart from our Savior.

So as I ponder this question of all religions leading up to the same mountaintop, I begin to think of all the people that don’t know Jesus.  But I also think about the people who do, the people who call themselves Christians, yet only by label and not through their walk.  It’s an absolutely terrifying thing to ponder; this idea that THAT many people miss the mark? 

And then this takes me to the authenticity of my own faith. If I know who God is and what He says to be is true based on the Word, why do I constantly hate myself whenever I decide to make a selfish decision, or do something that doesn’t align with Him.? He literally tells us in the Bible that because of what He did for us, we are saved. It is finished, it is done, and there is never-ending grace for us. We are free and should experience the breath of life He provides for us. 


As I think back to all the moments my Sophomore year: finally getting certified as a spin instructor, acclimating to my new role as an RA and pouring into my residents in any way I can, finding my church through the Christmas Eve candlelight service that was the only one open after I got off my work shift, spending Christmas with a TCU staff member who invited me into her home with open arms, running my first marathon with more ease than someone who didn’t train more than up to 5 miles could, meeting my new best friend from Chicago who teaches me so much in the way she walks her life with such grace and kindness, getting to know Freshman with wisdom who break the class borders that high schoolers worked so hard to establish, and more…God has been there in every step of the way.  

This skepticism that I shame myself for; what if this is a consequence to getting to know God more and more every day?; that by knowing Him, I am not only becoming more aware of Him, but also more aware of my sin?  His goodness opens my eyes to the gap between us...the gap that seems to grow larger as the brokenness of humanity is immense.  Thankfully God saved us, and that’s where there’s grace.  And that’s my problem.  

It doesn’t really make sense to me.  That this perfect and powerful Almighty loves such mediocre people to the point where he sacrifices His only son who lived a perfect life so that we can be invited to participate in this thing called life and still, we draw away from Him???  It’s hard to comprehend that He is this all-knowing God who knows are past, our present moment, and even our end yet still is like “Okay, you may never know me, I will constantly be your #1 fan but in the end, you are not going to choose me.” And then it terrifies me when I am confident in this truth that Christianity is not Mormonism, Hinduism, Judaism, or any other religion and that those people who are so devoted to their worldview will not get to spend eternity with him?…and just to rant on, I worry that I am not being an authentic Christian when I fall into desires and temptations that are not the fruit of the Spirit.  Yes, I know that God says that there is grace in that, and abundant grace that never ends, but still? 

Thoughts can be a scary thing. When I get to this point of doubt, I remember my Mom. (Mother’s day was yesterday, so perfect-ish timing).  My mom isn’t someone who calls me every day in college, but will always pick up when I call her.  Usually I would have a new podcast to tell her to listen to because just sending it via text message isn’t enough; other times I would just hit her with heavy questions about faith that end up with my restless self constantly responding to her with “Why though? But why? WHY???”  That’s when she would say, “WHY do you need to know? Can’t you just accept the beautiful story also known as the Good News that was given to us because He loves us?”  She makes it sound so easy to believe, and when she speaks, she convinces.  So today, tomorrow, and for all the days after that, I want to live with a faith for the Lord like my Mom does.  She loves the Lord like she loves her kids and her husband and her friends and I am so thankful for her in my life to remind me of Him in all the little things she does. 

This summer, I’ll be working, working, working. But I also want to make sure that I am spending time with the Lord in every moment I can, whether it be during work or not.  I know the price in becoming closer to the Lord now—that as He opens my eyes to His goodness, my eyes will also be opened to my brokenness.  But if there’s anything I learned this past Sophomore year, it’s that the Lord has been with me this entire time.  Any moment spent acknowledging Him and His glory is worth It because there’s gonna be a day where this life here ends, and eternity is based on our choice here on Earth.  I’m gonna screw up, I’m gonna question Him, and I’m gonna fall away from Him at times, but how cool is it to know that we have a God that is never going to walk away from us because of that? In order to increase Him, I must decrease (JOHN 3:30).  I want to learn more about what it looks like to surrender and give it all to the Lord.

Then he said to them all, 'If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will save it. For what does it benefit someone if he gains the whole world, and yet loses or forfeits himself?" 

​Luke 9:23-25